Alana Estelle

Thanks to some of three novels I’ve read recently (Outline by Rachel Cusk, A Legacy by Sybille Bedford and Palladian by Elizabeth Taylor) , I been thinking about memory and how we internalize, commemorate, and idealize the events that happen in our lives. What these novels in particular made me think about is how other people also influence how we remember events. How much of our memory is actually our own and how does this impact the stories that we tell? If our memory is constantly being influenced by what we choose to remember and what others are impressing on us, are we thus all unreliable narrators, regardless of how honest we strive to be?

Here are a few quotes from these texts that sparked this train of thought. 

“The memory of suffering had no effect whatever on what they elected to do: on the contrary, it compelled them to repeat it, for the suffering was the magic that caused the object to come back and allowed the delight in dropping it to become possible again.” - Outline

Memory and emotions go hand-in-hand; how many times do you remember how you felt versus the specific events?

“Yet there was something worse than forgetting, which was misinterpretation, bias, the selective presentation of events. The truth had to be represented: it couldn’t be left to represent itself…” - Outline

We often find if critical that we take control over how we remember things. Have you ever felt irritated when someone contradicts how you recall something, because you are adamant about your version of events? This allows us to control the narrative, OUR narrative, and goes back to this idea of being unreliable. We may claim that our version of events is the truth, but actual truth is devoid of personal bias. 

“It will be a strange time for you, the time between her death and the day when you begin falsifying her… But soon, out of her bones will grow the new picture of her, more beautiful, more romantic than ever in life, always loving, never angry, never guilty.” - Palladian

We often tend to be overly romantic when memorializing the dead. It’s interesting how death can act as a type of authority over memory - in many cultures death is sacred and once someone has passed, there is a sense of decorum around how that individual is discussed. How many times have you been told not to speak ill of the dead? “Let the dead bury the dead.” How do customs around what is considered sacred distort our memories?

“What I learnt came to me, like everything else in this story, at a second and third hand, in chunks and puzzles, degrees and flashes, by here-say and tale-bearing and being told, by one or two descriptions that meant everything to those who gave them.” - A Legacy

To circle back around to how our memories are shaped by others, the memories that we get from other people are cherry-picked, thus, what is memorialized can be controlled by those who have the means to preserve their narrative, and only what they wish to preserve. Regardless of how much someone claims their version to be the truth, there are always three sides to a story: Side A, Side B and the actual truth.

Again, this is just a glimpse of the mental wanderings that my brain goes down due to the books. Have you read any books that focus on the concept of memory?

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“… while he talked she began to see herself as a shape, an outline, with all the detail filled in around it while the shape itself remained blank. Yet this shape, even while its content remained unknown, gave her for the first time since the incident a sense of who she now was.”

Outline by, Rachel Cusk, is a novel told in conversations. The unnamed narrator goes to Athens to teach a writing course over the summer. Through these conversations, some of the details of the narrator’s life unfold, as her current position in life is revealed through others. 

It’s evident very early on in the novel that the narrator is dealing with marital issues. Her conversations mainly deal with marriages that have fallen apart, infidelity, motherhood, and how one’s identity is altered by marriage, both during and after. A lot of the conversations also highlight how unexpected life can be, as well as how it’s difficult to regroup after traumatic events. 

The narrator conveniently leaves out certain details about herself, and these obvious exclusions speak rather loudly. The reader can read between the lines and piece elements together and interpret what she is actually saying through her omissions. In some cases, what she eludes to is vague and the reader is able to piece together those subjects in her life that are still uncomfortable for her to blatantly reflect on. Get it, an outline?

“… I had stayed to watch it become the grave of something I could no longer definitively call either a reality or an illusion.”

The narrator also focuses a lot on houses and describes other people’s living spaces. I really found this interesting, as a house/home for most people represent a safe, secure, reliable space. However, what happens that one’s house is no more?

“It is like walking past a house you used to live in: the fact that it still exists, so concrete, makes everything that has happened since seem somehow insubstantial. Without structure, events are unreal: the reality of his wife, like the reality of the house, was structural, determinative.”

It’s clear that when the narrator first arrives in Greece, she’s lost. She’s trying to piece together who she is now, as the life she used to have is changing. She’s trying to determine who she is as a mother, who she was as a wife, and who she will be after the deterioration of her marriage. Will she be able to piece herself back together, and still maintain her own essence?

“… it’s like looking at old photographs of yourself. There comes a point at which the record needs to be updated, because you’ve shed too many links with what you were.”

This leads nicely into how existential I found this novel. The conversations reveal that here is a lot of tension between what is happening in many of these people’s lives and what they wish was happening. The external is not responding to the internal. There is also a struggle to reconcile who one thinks people are, who they were believed to be and who they end up becoming. 

“And those two ways of living - living in the moment and living outside it - which was more real?”

“… it was the very thing you don’t see, the thing you take for granted, that deceives you.”

As Outline concludes, it’s evident that the narrator is a bit rejuvenated from her stay in Greece, before returning back to London. She is not whole, but the foundation is being laid.  From my interpretation, the narrator draws solace from having these conversations and doesn’t feel quite so alone. I found this novel to be a realistic portrayal of the human experience and how the stories we engage with are internalized to help us find comfort, understanding, identity, validation and affirmation in our own lives.  Also, this novel has some well-constructed, evocative sentences that are a joy to read:

“At evening, with the sun no longer overhead, the air developed a kind of viscosity in which time seemed to stand very still and the labyrinth of the city, no longer bisected by light and shade and unstirred by the afternoon, appeared suspended in a kind of dream, paused in an atmosphere of extraordinary pallor and thickness.”

I really enjoyed Outline, which surprised me. I was curious to read it, wasn’t sure how I would get on with it, but I’m glad that I just went for it. It sounded intriguing to me, so I read it. Sometimes, it doesn’t have to be a complicated process to determine if you want to read a book or not. Is something piquing your interest? Yes? Then read the book. If you like it, then great and you may have just expanded your reading world. If you didn’t like it, then what did you really lose? Honestly, not much, other than continuing to explore literature, while fine-tuning your own reading tastes. Win-Win situation in my book (puns intended). 

I look forward to reading the other two novels in this trilogy and I’m glad I went a bit out of my comfort zone with this reading choice. 

Rating: 4/5

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...it’s like looking at old photographs of yourself. There comes a point at which the record needs to be updated, because you’ve shed too many links with what you were.” 

Outline by, Rachel Cusk is really surprising me - I’m about 80 pages in and it’s constantly in my thoughts. I admit that I’m always a bit weary of poplar, contemporary releases. In today’s world of generic, overhyped reviews because people don’t want to be too critical, I’m skeptical. 

However, Outline is a pleasant surprise. I like Cusk’s dry, bare writing style. Even though there is a lot of passive voice in the narrative, because the writing is a bit sparse, it works because the passive voice isn’t being weighed down by overly flowery language. 

I really like how the unnamed narrator is slowly revealing her own story through the conversations she has with those around her. This is a story of a woman trying to make sense of her former life and the uncertain life that is now unfolding around her. What happens when the people and places in our lives shift and change? How is one’s identity tied up in these people and places in which one thought would be permanent? When those things change, there is a dissonance between the internal and the external and a tension between remaining in the past and moving towards an unknown future.

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I usually create a list of the specific books I want to read each year and then read strictly from that list; I will then add to the list as “spaces” open up. However, this year, I’m going to switch things up a bit and not read from a set list. I do have some books, authors, and genres I definitely want to get to this year, but again, I’m just going to “wing it” a bit more and see where I’m naturally led as the year develops. I’m also not going to set a specific number of books I want to read; I’ll just read what I’m able to and see what the total is at the end. 

I have seven books here, all of which I definitely want to read this year, but they also represent the various categories I’ll be gravitating towards. 

• The Brother’s Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoyevsky - This is the book that’s at the top of my list this year; it also represents continuing to read as many Classics as possible. 

• Outline, Rachel Cusk - I’ve been on the fence about reading the Outline Trilogy, as I’ve come across mixed reviews. I decided to just go for it! This also represents my goal to read more contemporary literary fiction. I have my eyes on Hamnet and ducks, Newburyport (if I can squeeze in another 1000 pager).

• Bleak House, Charles Dickens - Victorian Classics are my jam and I will continue reading them in 2021. Also, Bleak House is one of those massive novels I find intimidating, so I’ll be tackling it this year. 

• Wolf Hall, Hilary Mantel - I love historical fiction and Wolf Hall is a must read for me in 2021. I’ll also be reading more historical fiction from Anya Seton and Rachel Weir.

• Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf - I’ve stayed away from Woolf in the past, thinking I wouldn’t “get her.” However, I’m very intrigued, so I’m starting with Mrs. Dalloway. This also represents reading more modern classics this year. I specifically have my eyes on Iris Murdoch, Evelyn Waugh, and more Barbara Pym and Elizabeth Taylor. 

• A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara - Ahhh, books that you’re mildly terrified to read because of the content. I don’t shy away from the tough/traumatic stuff so, here we are... This book also represents a discussion I want to have about realism in fiction, because people actually have experienced life to this degree. 

• The Secret History, Donna Tartt - I’ve had this book on my TBR for years (before I even knew it was a cult classic), but wasn’t sure if I wanted to really read it or not. I also want to read more dark academia/campus novels. 

Have you read, or do you plan to read any of these novels? What books are on your 2021 TBR?

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