Alana Estelle

Thanks to some of three novels I’ve read recently (Outline by Rachel Cusk, A Legacy by Sybille Bedford and Palladian by Elizabeth Taylor) , I been thinking about memory and how we internalize, commemorate, and idealize the events that happen in our lives. What these novels in particular made me think about is how other people also influence how we remember events. How much of our memory is actually our own and how does this impact the stories that we tell? If our memory is constantly being influenced by what we choose to remember and what others are impressing on us, are we thus all unreliable narrators, regardless of how honest we strive to be?

Here are a few quotes from these texts that sparked this train of thought. 

“The memory of suffering had no effect whatever on what they elected to do: on the contrary, it compelled them to repeat it, for the suffering was the magic that caused the object to come back and allowed the delight in dropping it to become possible again.” - Outline

Memory and emotions go hand-in-hand; how many times do you remember how you felt versus the specific events?

“Yet there was something worse than forgetting, which was misinterpretation, bias, the selective presentation of events. The truth had to be represented: it couldn’t be left to represent itself…” - Outline

We often find if critical that we take control over how we remember things. Have you ever felt irritated when someone contradicts how you recall something, because you are adamant about your version of events? This allows us to control the narrative, OUR narrative, and goes back to this idea of being unreliable. We may claim that our version of events is the truth, but actual truth is devoid of personal bias. 

“It will be a strange time for you, the time between her death and the day when you begin falsifying her… But soon, out of her bones will grow the new picture of her, more beautiful, more romantic than ever in life, always loving, never angry, never guilty.” - Palladian

We often tend to be overly romantic when memorializing the dead. It’s interesting how death can act as a type of authority over memory - in many cultures death is sacred and once someone has passed, there is a sense of decorum around how that individual is discussed. How many times have you been told not to speak ill of the dead? “Let the dead bury the dead.” How do customs around what is considered sacred distort our memories?

“What I learnt came to me, like everything else in this story, at a second and third hand, in chunks and puzzles, degrees and flashes, by here-say and tale-bearing and being told, by one or two descriptions that meant everything to those who gave them.” - A Legacy

To circle back around to how our memories are shaped by others, the memories that we get from other people are cherry-picked, thus, what is memorialized can be controlled by those who have the means to preserve their narrative, and only what they wish to preserve. Regardless of how much someone claims their version to be the truth, there are always three sides to a story: Side A, Side B and the actual truth.

Again, this is just a glimpse of the mental wanderings that my brain goes down due to the books. Have you read any books that focus on the concept of memory?

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Palladian by, Elizabeth Taylor is a Jane Eyre-esque novel. For those who don’t know, Jane Eyre is my favorite novel of all time and anything that is reminiscent of it in anyway, I want to read. Cassandra Dashwood (also an ode to Jane Austen with that name…) goes to Cropthorne Manor (get it? Thornhall…) after the death of her father to serve as a governess for Sophy. She quickly falls for her employer, the reserved and melancholy Mr. Marion Vanbrugh. The novel also explores the other dysfunctional characters, who are Marion’s relations.

Taylor does not hide that fact that Palladian is a retelling of Jane Eyre. “She knew the Jane Eyre had answered up better than that to her Mr. Rochester.” She uses this as an element in the story - it’s as if the reader is getting a novel within a novel, as Cassandra is aware that her life is paralleling Jane’s.

“Don’t you think truth is stranger than fiction, Miss Dashwood?” 

Taylor weaves this idea of truth versus fiction throughout the narrative and even though Cassandra’s life is much like Jane’s, there’s more realism in Cassandra’s story. Yes, life can seem unreal at times, but there is often a sense of disillusionment as if something is missing. Even though Cassandra falls in love with Marion, there is something “flat” about the development of this relationship.

“The scene somehow missed being quite so idyllic as it would have looked as the tail-piece of an old-fashioned love-story.” 

Palladian also reminded me of Rebecca by, Daphne du Maurier and I have a strong feeling Taylor read Rebecca, as Palladian was published in 1946, eight years after Rebecca. Marion is a widow, his wife Violet passed away several years ago. Her presence lingers in the house and her memory is idealized, painting a glorified  picture of Violet that may not be accurate. In Palladian, there is a lot of discussion about those who have passed away and how memory and nostalgia recreate the identities of former loved ones. 

“But soon, out of her bones will grow the new picture of her, more beautiful, more romantic… than ever in life, always loving, never angry, never guilty.”

“The dead cannot be answered back, the last word is always theirs.”

One thing that really stood out to me in this novel was the repeated references to the colors blue and green - it’s so obvious that it’s hard to ignore that Taylor uses these colors as symbolism fo something. I’ve been trying figure out what these colors represent, but it’s escaping me and I may have to eventually reread this novel for it to “click.”

“…the light that filtered in was greenish, so that the ceiling had a green pallor and the marble fireplace reflected green and the man who leant his elbow on the mantlepiece had the same greenish tinge upon his face and hands.”

Elizabeth Taylor’s writing style is difficult to describe; it’s descriptive yet simple. It’s not overly flowery but it is evocative. Her writing can be elusive and her characters can seem a bit cryptic. She gives  just enough for the reader to fill in the blanks. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that Taylor’s writing is illusive at times, it actually makes reading her interesting because there is a lot to unpack and even though this is a short novel, multiple reads would help to reveal subtle details that are easy to bypass. Also, she writes sentences like this:

Rating: 3.5/5. 

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This week marks one year since I was told to start working from home - March 17th, to be exact. It doesn’t feel like it’s been a year, but here we are. It was a bizarre time - the beginning of The Pestilence that Shall not be Named. My job sent us home and each week, kept pushing the time back for us to return to offices. I’m still at home, granted, I go in once a week to spice things up.

Oddly, I reflect on last spring with a bit of nostalgia. Even with all the uncertainty and  entire world navigating this situation, there was a level of calm that permeated my life, in the midst of chaos. Due to working from home, I started getting more sleep because I didn’t have to rush out of the house each morning. Ballet was cancelled, and even though I missed it terribly (sometimes almost to the point tears…), I was able to use that time to read more and catch up on my knitting. My sister and I started having these long, intense and deep conversations that we rarely had before because there was literally no one else around. 

In my picture, I have the top items that come to my mind from March - June 2020.  

• Knitting - As I just stated, I was able to catch up on and finish some knitting projects that I fell grossly behind on. 

• Elizabeth Taylor - During those early months, I relentlessly scoured the internet for Virago’s gorgeous editions of Elizabeth Taylor’s novels. I was able to score them all, minus one (which I’m still having a difficult time finding). Searching for these cheery covers was actually rather calming. They are difficult to find in the States, but thanks fo Canada, I was able to get them shipped to me!

• Ballet - I missed ballet the most during that time. I felt a little confused without it - ballet is one of my favorite things in life and I started as an adult. To have it suddenly taken away, after pining after and admiring it for years was jarring. However, thanks to Youtube, I diligently followed online classes to help maintain and even gain some technique. I now fondly remember going to my room with my laptop after work almost everyday and following along to the best of my ability without a barre and accidentally kicking furniture. 

• Music - For me, the beginning of this time period sounds like Swan Lake  and I’m still listening to it, at least twice a week. It has become my favorite piece of music. I now know Swan Lake inside and out. Getting lost in the genius that is Tchaikovsky and this 2.5 hour work of art has been so calming. Then, I started listening to different symphonies play Swam Lake and then chose my top 3. There is nothing quite like good music to soothe the soul. 

So here we are, one year later, with a bit of light showing at the end of a very long tunnel. This past year was rough, but there is always a positive take away. What’s your silver lining? 

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